I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
