I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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