I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
