Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
