I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
