I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
