i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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