This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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