Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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