The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I did not marry a roomba.
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