I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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