So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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