There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize