FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
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And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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