Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
