I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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