I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
