Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Did I show you my penis last night?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize