So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
