I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
