she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just cropdusted the office
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My penis needs a shock collar
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
