My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
