Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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