i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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