Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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