I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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