all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
