Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
