and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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