She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
