The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
