The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
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My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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