We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
