oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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