Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
