hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
