I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
