I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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