so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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