I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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