Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That's what I'm talking about
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many