We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.