I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
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Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.