is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize