You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
