Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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