Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
