Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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