I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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