I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
