Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize