I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
