True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
