she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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