here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
