And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
