Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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