you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
