remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
where am i from again
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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