we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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