Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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