yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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