The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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